Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2000 10:16:43 -0800

Reply-To: Lon Nesseler <>
Sender: MYELOMA Multiple Myeloma Support List <MYELOMA@LISTSERV.ACOR.ORG>
From: Lon Nesseler <>
Subject: The Joys of Dex

"Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...."

Today is dex day. Currently I'm doing 28mg every Saturday, searching
for smallest effective dose/greatest interval. It is now about three
hours after I swallowed my 7 little pills encased in a Lilly OO
capsule, and I find myself singing to the nasty dogs across the
street, dogs who have barked at me for at least five years, dogs I
would cheerfully poison in a New York minute if their owner wasn't
single, pretty, and smart. Smart, except for buying the dogs, that is.

I'll probably have a pretty good day today, if this morning is any
indicator. Never forget that dex is the ultimate SPEED, which is
traded on street corners for a reason.

Also, I'll have to be very careful today to avoid responding to
certain emails, driving, eating myself silly, falling in love, using
my credit card for really neat stuff, and so on. Although I'll become
saner every day, it will probably not be until Tuesday that I will be
able to respond to some emails and make some decisions.

I have a big sign on the inner garage door that says, "Is it
Thursday, Stupid?" That's because my housekeepers come on Thursdays,
and if I forget, go out, and set the alarm, they get busted by the
local police and La Migra, for heaven's sake. I have been stupid in
that regard three times. It's unforgettable for the poor guys trying
to wipe the counters.

I need a similar sign on the computer that says, "Is it Saturday, Stupid?"
Sigh....

Lon

Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 18:11:02 -0700

To: MYELOMA@LISTSERV.ACOR.ORG
From: Lon Nesseler <>
Subject: Look at me, Way up high, Suddenly, There am I....

I don't know why I'm sending this to the list. I should stay silent
and let you think that I'm a better person than I am.

This is dex day. I don't drive on dex day. I'm too smart for that.
But I have to have groceries, no? The grocery store is only three miles,
rural-ish miles, from here. I go there, I get a chop, I come home, no big deal.
Concentration. I'll be careful. I won't use the cell phone or
dictation device while driving. There, back, done.

- - - - - -

I am now home again. It is four hours later. I've been to a nearby town
to pick up a used flash attachment at a camera shop, I spent two hours
in a super hardware store, had lunch at a fast-food joint, and went to my
grocery store. I might have done other stuff but I don't remember.

I should report on the visit to the hardware store. I realized after a while
that I was giving speeches constantly to an audience that wasn't there.
I even had hand gestures and vocal inflections to match. I realized that
were I to be observed giving speeches in the electrical section to no one
in particular, that some phone calls might be made on my behalf.
Perhaps someone would look out of the corner of their eye for a name tag
that said that I was allowed out today. A number to call in an emergency.
It was very hard to shut up. So I decided to talk to the people around me instead.
At least that wouldn't look unarguably nuts.

I met all sorts of people. Wonderful people. Hal Whitethead is going to call me
in a couple of weeks to see if the garage door fix works. He's retired and spends his hours
in the hardware store. We talked about garage door repairs and other guy stuff.
I helped him find his stuff, he helped me with mine. Jos? helped me with plumbing.
And I had two great store people helping me in electrical for, hell, I don't know,
half an hour? Long time, much comradery, good feelings all around. I made three friends
and picked up a load of wire and breakers and connectors and junction boxes
and stuff for a project. Everyone was remarkably helpful. Showed me how to do everything.
At this moment, I'm beginning to realize why they might have been so helpful. (Says a lot for humanity?)

Although I did stare at the arsenic (you can get it for gophers), I passed it by.
Dog lovers relax.

Backing up in the parking lot, I bumped into a suburban assault vehicle. No damage to him.
Me, I can tell you the exact moment when an ordinary car becomes a jalopy.
It's when you put your first piece of duct tape on it. And, staring at it, you think, that's good enough!
Guys love duct tape. It's a gender thing.

Actually, right at this instant, I think the duct tape incident may have happened last week.

The end of the story is this. I've been cutting back on the antidote medications
I take to fight the dex to see how little I could get by with. Obviously, I've cut back too far.
My judgement is shot to hell. But part of it is also that the hyperacusis and tinnitus came back
yesterday and I'm frightened. The hyperacusis has been gone for several months,
and the tinnitus has been bearable. I did a 24h urine Thursday, and I'll know
Monday if the dex dose has been high enough at 28mg every Saturday to keep the Beast in check.

Please, don't drive on dex days! Ask somebody to take your car keys and credit cards
and hide them. Ask to be tied up. Order food to be delivered. Deliver all of the speeches you want
in the safety of your home.

Above all, do what I say, not what I do!

No longer left with a shred of credibility, asking for forgiveness,

Lon

Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 13:35:10 -0700

Reply-To: Lon Nesseler <>
Sender: MYELOMA Multiple Myeloma Support List <MYELOMA@LISTSERV.ACOR.ORG>
From: Lon Nesseler <>
Subject: Driving on Dex, Part 2

Driving on dex is a really, really bad idea. I know it, you know it,
everybody knows it.

So why do I do it? Well, a few weeks ago, I dropped my weekly dex
down to 20mg. I felt fine, I thought. Head clear, memory intact,
strong (love that dex strength) and capable. So, why not go to a
movie? I didn't want to miss American Beauty while it was in the
theaters (I didn't like it). All I have to do is drive about ten
miles up the freeway and back. Piece of cake.

Everything seemed to go well before disaster struck. And I feel I
must tell you about this because of the kind of disaster it was. Not
what I expected at all.

I also didn't expect to get a middle-finger salute or two while I was
driving around, which was unusual, but, hey, I did take the parking
place they thought they owned! Hey, buddy, I'm disabled! Another guy
beeped at me for some reason, but I paid no mind. It's rude to blow
ones horn. He drove away.

After the movie I wanted to go to an adjacent mall to change my
cellular service. Now, both of these malls front a busy, 4-line
highway. But they are on the same side of the highway, separated by a
lightly-used 4-laner. I think it dead ends about 1/3 mile from the
main road. To prevent guys like me from driving down one driveway,
crossing the four lanes, and zooming up the other (which would have
been too easy), they separated the lanes with a barrier. So I needed
to drive down to the end of the barrier and do a U turn, drive back,
then turn into the driveway of the other mall.

So I did. I looked right and left, then turned left. I was driving
merrily along for, I don't know, for a few blocks, when I noticed
that traffic, particularly oncoming traffic, was stopping across all
lanes. This puzzled me. Especially the car in my lane, which was
waiting at the break in the barrier. Why didn't it turn? I was
perplexed but not alarmed. I slowed to make my turn.

I could see the eyes of the woman in the car that just sat there and
didn't turn. Only then did I realize that I was driving, well,
English, on the left side of the road into oncoming traffic. Further,
I was just about to do a U turn into oncoming traffic from the other
direction! Huh?? Aw, geeze. Dex wins again.

Well, I U turned all right, but in the left lane, which was easy
because EVERYBODY was giving me as much room as I needed. I owned the
road. I thought that kind of them.

The point was and is, I hadn't the faintest idea of what I had done,
not so much as a glimmer. I surprised myself completely.

I am now convinced that on dex days I am completely unable to
determine if I'm OK or not, and that I could easily get myself and
someone else killed by driving. I haven't driven a car on dex days
since then. I thought I'd know if I were stoned out of my tree. I was
wrong. I can't compensate for what I don't realize (duh).

Sigh....

Lon, giving up altogether on credibility on this dex day.ª